Discussion List for campus-based and allied personnel working to end gender-based violence on campus.

["Sarah Holdwick" <>]

Hi Judy,

I agree with Kim that the term "regretted sex" is just a smoke screen, an 
attempt to deny the reality of rape and place the blame on victims.  I think 
it is our responsibility as advocates to refute the use of this term and what 
it implies.

In my own experience, which may or may not reflect those of other listserv 
members, I have typically heard this come up when discussing issues of 
alcohol and sex.  Both men and women will say something to the effect of 
"Well, how about if you both get drunk and have sex and then the next day you 
get up and she feels bad about it?  I mean, she wanted to then, so that's not 
rape, is it?"  At the heart of this line of conversation are many of the 
usual myths about rape, cultural norms about sex and drinking, and of course- 
issues of consent.  

You might check out Mike Domitrz's presentation "Can I Kiss You?"  It is 
helpful in exploring issues of consent, especially for the college crowd.  
The message is that both parties have the responsibility to make certain the 
other person you want to have sex with is ABLE and WILLING to consent to 
whatever you want to do together.  If you have sex with someone and alcohol 
is involved, you risk committing a sexual assault because alcohol voids 
consent.

Rape or sexual assault are scary terms for most individuals and many people 
do not want to be labeled as victims.  Underneath it all is the fact that 
most victims do not identify what happened to them as sexual assault (nor do 
many men identify what they did as committing rape), because, unfortunately, 
sexual assault is practically the norm.  When I discuss this I get a lot of 
resistance from the audience because many of them have committed or 
experienced the behaviors mentioned and didn't think anything of it.  When 
they think of rape, what comes to mind are strangers in alleys with knives 
and ski masks and screaming injured victims.  The dynamics of sexual assault 
are typically a lot more subtle than that, and while we on this listserv know 
that, the majority of people do not.  

Comments appreciated!

Sarah Holdwick
Sexual Assault Advocate & Prevention Educator
Underground Railroad, Inc.
(989) 755-0413 ext. 223
 
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-----Original Message-----
From: 

 
[mailto:]
 On Behalf Of 

Sent: Monday, November 12, 2007 6:57 PM
To: 

Subject: Rape vs. "regretted sex"

On my campus, there has been a move toward encouraging 
women to make a distinction between rape vs. "regretted 
sex." I am wondering if that is occurring on other 
campuses and what people on this listserv think about 
pushing such a distinction.



Judy Pehrson
Director
The Women's Center
Franklin & Marshall College
P.O. Box 3003
Lancaster, PA 17604-3003
717-291-3956
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