Discussion List for campus-based and allied personnel working to end gender-based violence on campus.

["Mike Domitrz" <>]

Juliette:

I agree with you 100% about men needing to seek out the advice, opinions,
thoughts, and expertise of females, especially when creating new programming
and/or educational materials.  With The Date Safe Project, we have an
advisory council which is filled with almost all female professionals from
around the country (from schools, campuses, crisis centers, etc..).  Plus,
we frequently show our new concepts/ideas to the survivors from the book
"Voices of Courage."   The feedback we receive from both these sources is
PRICELESS.

I don't even like saying, "As a man working in this field," because it seems
to separate me out to some people as being "special" because I am a man
doing this work.  Instead, "as a person working in this field" seems much
more appropriate.  No where on my website or in our materials do you find
anything about "Mike being a man."  I am an author, a speaker, and a
professional on a mission (like many of you males and females).  I do find
it odd when people on a Listservs ask, "We are looking at bringing a male
speaker to our campus, who are the best?"  Wouldn't it make more sense to
ask "Who are the best speakers?"  Even if you have a specific reason for
bringing a male speaker, wouldn't a few male names show up in the list (if
the males were really that effective)?

I've seen an interesting change take place over the years.  When I first got
started and was developing my approach, I heard a lot of "It is great you do
this work, especially being a MAN."  As my program improved over the years
(and hopefully continues to grow), people rarely made that same comment to
me.  I was happy for this change.  For me, it meant my work was judged more
for its merit and/or effectiveness and NOT only as a man doing this work.  I
think MEN should be offended for getting special treatment!!  It applies a
lesser standard for us.  Shouldn't we hold ourselves to the highest of
standards?  Shouldn't every male aspire to make a difference through their
work -- not simply because of his gender?

Please do not misunderstand me. I absolutely believe our society needs to
have both female and male role models.  I just don't think you are being an
ideal role model as a male when you say, "As a male, I . . ."   When you
point out "As a man" you are teaching other men to do talk EXACTLY that way
-- separating themselves out.  Instead, share your thoughts and your
expertise.  They probably know you are a man.  You don't need to point it
out to connect or to separate yourself.  In our last podcast, Ben
Atherton-Zeman spoke of the impact women had on him doing this work -- that
is the kind of accountability we need more men to share in their work
(publicly).  

Sincerely,
Mike Domitrz
****************************************************
Author, Speaker, and Executive Director of The Date Safe Project.  
Creator of "Can I Kiss You?" program on consent & sexual assault.  
www.canikissyou.com
www.datesafeproject.org
www.helpmyteenisdating.com  -- DVD & Book Combo for Parents of Teenagers!!