Discussion List for campus-based and allied personnel working to end gender-based violence on campus.

["Mike Domitrz (author & speaker)" <>]

A big "Thanks" goes out to Irene for letting people know about the Wisconsin 
State Journal article with excerpts from Voices of Courage: Inspiration from 
Survivors of Sexual Assault.  Unfortunately, the article did not provide a 
place for people to learn more about the book and/or contacting the 
survivors.  For all those interested, the website is www.voicesofcourage.com.

Mike Domitrz  

 
-- Editor of "Voices of Courage: Inspiration from Survivors of Sexual Assault"
-- Website:  www.voicesofcourage.com 


  ----- Original Message ----- 
  From: Irene Weiser 
  To: 

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  Sent: Saturday, April 30, 2005 10:18 PM
  Subject: Voices of Courage excerpts


  Excerpts from sexual assault survivors
  State Journal staff
  April 30, 2005
  http://www.madison.com/wsj/home/features/index.php?ntid=38121&ntpid=2 ;

  Excerpts from 12 sexual assault survivors' contributions to "Voices of 
Courage: Inspiration from Survivors of Sexual Assault" are printed here with 
permission of the editor, Michael Domitrz.

  Barb "There's going to be nothing left ... nothing left ... Oh, my God, 
there's going to be nothing left." I must have said that to myself a hundred 
times as he was raping me on the cement basement floor. "There's going to 
nothing left ... nothing left ... nothing left of me."

  There was plenty left. Of course, you couldn't have convinced me of that at 
the time. I felt totally void, as cold as that cement floor. But I was not 
destroyed by this experience. Instead, I am stronger than I was before. After 
my rape, I played over and over again a favorite song that gave me strength. 
One line in the song resonated for me: "Spirit is something no one destroys." 
I fell back on those words all the time; still do. It is a belief that has 
held up through talking with other survivors of sexual assault for the past 
18 years.

  Often, I am asked how I can work as an advocate for women who have been 
sexually victimized: "Don't I find it depressing and sad?" I reply no. I am 
inspired by the resiliency of the human spirit.

  Shirley I was a suicidal person

  Until I became a mother.

  I struggled,

  But suicide was no longer an option for me.

  Mothers don't do that to their children, I told myself.

  But the pain continued.

  Forty-three: a great professional life!

  Personally?

  Divorced, single parent, bad relationship.

  I was miserable.

  One night I found myself in a 12-step program.

  The healing began

  ... I chose healing.

  In those first few months,

  I learned coping skills

  That prepare me.

  For coming crises.

  Forty-four: I discovered where my childhood went.

  I discovered that my father is a pedophile.

  Beyond difficult.

  But supportive people were in my life.

  Gone were Shame, Depression and Anger.

  Everything I needed to recover had been put in my path.

  I was told,

  "You are only as sick as your secrets."

  And out they poured.

  A turning point:

  I gave up the hope of a different childhood.

  Why do we hold on to such things?

  Ben Feb. 28, 1998, is a day that will stick with me for the rest of my 
life. It is the day that I was raped. It happened at an off- campus party 
during my freshman year of college. I don't remember much of that evening 
other than arriving and having a few drinks. My next memory is waking up on 
the floor of my dorm shower, crying silently. But this isn't about my rape; 
it's about what I did afterwards.

  (At the hospital), they didn't find any traces of DNA, but they did find in 
my blood traces of rohypnol and gamma hydroxyl butyrate (GHB), two drugs 
known to dampen sensation and negatively affect a person's memory...

  It wasn't until I was home that summer that I called the hot line (Rape, 
Incest & Abuse Network). I was having nightmares and hadn't slept well in a 
couple of weeks. It was affecting my job and my social life, and friends were 
beginning to worry about me. My parents were beginning to wonder what was 
wrong, and despite our close connection, I couldn't bring myself to tell them 
... I called (the hot line), and they put me in contact with a trained 
counselor who dealt with a lot of male sexual assaults. That night, I talked 
for three hours about what had happened. I listened to the counselor as she 
told me about others who had endured similar situations. That's when I knew 
that I wasn't alone, that there really were other guys who had been raped.

  Caroline About 2 years ago, you forced sex on me after what had begun as a 
fun and innocent evening. You probably think what you did was "casual," no 
big deal, just a logical ending to a great date. But what you did was hurtful 
and harmful both physically and emotionally. I am still dealing with the 
consequences of your actions. ...

  Although I feel more guarded and less carefree than I did before it 
happened, I also feel more aware. I place more value on friendship. I am more 
in tune with myself. I am better able to recognize when others are hurting. I 
still get excited about the little things in life, like I did before you hurt 
me. I am increasingly confident. The consequences of your actions - the pain 
you caused - challenged me to find and understand myself. I am now closer to 
friends and family. I've discovered an inner strength I never knew I had. 
I've realized that it's OK to not be OK. My faith was rocked, but I'm 
discovering a new relationship with God. I have discovered a lot. I have 
discovered me.

  Karen I remember the actual rape as if I had been floating above my bed 
watching the scene from the ceiling. He kept jabbing at me with the knife, 
saying, "This is all your fault. You should have let me come home. What 
happens between a man and his wife is nobody's business." I thought, "If I 
move, the knife is going to slip and I will die."

  The few months after the rape were the worst of my life. I thought they 
would never catch Ron and, even if they did, I believed he would never be 
convicted (he was). To this day, many people don't believe that a husband can 
be guilty of rape against his wife. ...

  The rape and its aftermath gave me the will, strength and ability to become 
an advocate for other survivors. ... Tragedy can be turned into triumph. 
Survivors of sexual assault can and must be heard - through poetry, art, 
music or public speaking. We can each work toward prevention of sexual 
assault and we can provide support for victims in our own way - by 
volunteering in a shelter, on a hot line, or perhaps by pursuing a career in 
medicine, law, or social services. In a culture where rape depends on a 
conspiracy of silence, survivors who speak out heal more than themselves.

  Donna Judith Herman, author of the classic "Trauma and Recovery," writes 
that we must reclaim our past when we work through trauma. We need to do 
things we left undone and pursue things we might only have dreamed about. ... 
That is what I have finally done, I revel in my personal and professional 
success, making films about music, the arts, love stories, and more. I love 
playing golf with my husband and my son, showing off my 13 handicap, and 
directing musicals that help kids ignite their souls ... and I continue to 
speak on mental health issues and rape prevention.

  And I laugh and laugh and laugh. When you meet me, you can't tell that I 
have been through this and so much more. There are times I wish, however, 
that I was a non- raped woman. I wish that my spouse did not have to deal 
with all that pain. But then I get a call from a married woman who was raped 
by a pastor. The only man she had ever been intimate with was her husband, 
until she met her own local Reverend Rapist. We talk for hours. I make her 
laugh, a sentiment she did not think was possible. I connect her with 
lawyers, with therapists, with people who can help put her life back 
together. I see that it is all worth it.

  Gabriel As a gay man, I am still asked if I feel that my sexual orientation 
stems from my sexual abuse as a child, and I have also found that a common 
fear among male victims is that what happened might somehow make them gay. I 
understand that a lot of people think this, but I certainly don't. Just 
because a member of the same sex does something to you does not make you a 
homosexual. Being molested did not make me gay, it made me hurt and isolated. 
My personal belief is that people have no control over their sexual 
orientation, just like their eye color, hair color, etc. Sexuality is not 
something that someone can force on you, or take away from you. ...

  I live my life now knowing that what I have to say can make a difference, 
both in my own life and in the lives of others. I am not afraid to speak up 
anymore because my voice was heard and believed. I have even begun to mend 
some of the relationships that were torn apart when I first came forward. ... 
There are others with whom I may never be reconciled, but I have accepted 
that. Most importantly, I feel that justice was served. I feel whole again.

  Cheri It has been 15 years since I was raped at knifepoint in my apartment. 
I am a rape survivor, but there is more to "survival" than simply coming out 
of the attack alive. Survival is a process that molds you into the person 
that you will become. I am very proud of who I am, and I owe so much of that 
to my family and friends. ...

  I believe things happen for a reason. For some reason, I was raped. For 
some reason, I was a person who would live through it and move on. ... Some 
wonderful events have occurred as a result of my rape. That's right! I said 
WONDERFUL things. For one, I met my wonderful husband who is also an awesome 
father, and we have five crazy, wild and loving children. In addition, with 
help early on from my husband, my brother has become a nationally renowned 
speaker on sexual assault. ...

  Recovering from a rape is a long and often difficult process, but walk away 
knowing that it was NOT your fault. I did. I knew I had done nothing wrong. 
... Believe and trust in yourself and know that being raped, although 
devastating, is a single, uncontrollable event in your life.

  Juliette He sat on my bed and began to kiss me, but this time I did not 
enjoy it as much as I had before. I pulled away and tried to talk to him, but 
he had other plans. I could tell by the look in his eyes and the way that he 
was grabbing me that I was in danger. I told him to let go of me and to stop 
grabbing me so forcefully. In seconds, he had managed to take off my shirt 
and overalls and everything underneath, as well as his own clothing - it 
seemed he had done this before. I remembered the words of the girl who said 
he was a violent drunk and I was terrified. ...

  Each day, when I tell my story, I wish more than anything that I could 
conclude by saying that my attacker is now in jail or that he has sought help 
and is no longer a danger to any of us. Instead, I finish by saying that he 
was never given an appropriate sanction for the acts he committed against me. 
...

  I now know what I want people in this world to learn from me: that I will 
not let anyone blame me or punish me for being a victim, that I remained 
strong even when it seemed hopeless, and I never doubted what I knew to be 
the truth.

  Angela We had gotten along great up to that point. He began to kiss my 
neck, then tried again to unbutton my shirt. This time I tried to push him 
away, but he ripped open my shirt and tripped me, sending me falling onto the 
carpet. I was alarmed at how aggressive he'd become and I began to feel 
scared. He said, "Come on, I can tell you like me." He held me down with is 
forearm across my neck, leaving his other hand free to undress himself and 
me. I kept telling him to let me go, but he wouldn't. He just kept saying 
over and over again, "Trust me, you'll love it." My body froze and my mind 
felt numb. ...

  A few days later, I finally felt ready to report the assault to the police. 
A friend of mine accompanied me to the police station. He believed me and 
told me it wasn't my fault. It's funny how much of a difference one person's 
words can make. Those words made me feel that I would be able to make it 
through my ordeal. ...

  Deciding to work with victims of crime has been one of the best decisions 
that I have ever made. Not only have I been able to continue my never-ending 
healing process, I have been able to help others who have gone through 
similar experiences to navigate their way through the legal system and to 
find their courage to heal. Even though my assailant was never prosecuted, I 
have found tremendous satisfaction in supporting victims and in making sure 
their perpetrators are held accountable.

  Adrienne I was 19 years old and at a party with some friends from work. We 
were having a great time, drinking and socializing. I remember dancing on the 
lawn. Then suddenly, I was in the back seat of a car with three strange men I 
didn't know. What was happening? Who were these people? Where were they 
taking me? ...

  Although I couldn't remember what had happened beforehand, I knew I needed 
to get control of what was going to happen next. That's when I began to beg 
and plead, but to no avail. They did whatever they wanted to me. ...

  I had been drugged and sexually assaulted. ... Finally at home, I thought, 
"At least it's all over." Little did I know, it had just begun. ...

  Three years of love, life and laughter, as well as three years of pain, 
anger and frustration. I have learned and grown so much in such a short time. 
And it has all stemmed from that one horrible event, which altered my world 
forever.

  I'm no longer upset when I think about it. I don't think "what if" anymore. 
I don't wonder what my life might be like had I never been assaulted. I've 
come to the realization that, although you can't change the past, you can 
shape the future.

  Linda When I woke up a fourth time to see a man standing over my bed, I was 
overcome by terror.

  I tried to scream but no sound emerged. The man put a cold metal object to 
my throat and told me not to make any noise. The fog of sleep lifted and I 
knew without a doubt that my life was in danger. The man put a pillow over my 
face and proceeded to rape me over the course of what seemed like hours. ...

  In a couple of years, my life will be divided right down the middle - 25 
years before the rape and 25 years after. The two halves of my life are very 
different. Before the rape, I didn't know much about the evil that exists in 
our world, but then I met it face-to-face. Since then, I have learned that 
because I survived the rape, I can get through most of what my life throws at 
me. I have discovered a passion for reaching out to others who have been 
touched by evil. In "A Farewell to Arms," Ernest Hemingway wrote, "The world 
breaks everyone, and afterward many are strong at the broken places." I know 
that by the grace of God, those words are true for me.

  Irene Weiser
  Stop Family Violence
  331 W. 57th St #518
  New York, NY 10019
  

  607-539-6856
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  www.StopFamilyViolence.org
  the people's voice for family peace
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