Discussion List for campus-based and allied personnel working to end gender-based violence on campus.

["Don Lazzarini" <>]

Hello Everyone,

A general response to Lori Flood's inquiry. While our programming is
consent based, the disconnect comes through how consent is measured by
students. We find the most vocal of students are confident they can
"just tell". We provide a model of clear verbal communication but there
is an area of importance our students helped us to understand. 

The problem as we see it; there is no Verbal Intimacy Permission
Progression (VIPP) within our social construct. What that means is there
is no generally accepted social practice of using our words to get
consent to engage in the beginning levels of physical intimacy. The
beginning level in our view includes initial physical contact including
leaning against, patting on the back or shoulder, sitting on laps, etc.
The next level (the first physical evidence of a RELATIONSHIP moving
beyond a flirting friend stage) is hand holding. Few students are
confident enough or socialized to ask another student to hold their hand
prior to actually touching them. (Long-lecture-short; males in power
benefit from current no conversation prior to touching paradigm. Women's
voices are discouraged which allow the males to interpret the female
physical re-action or lack of action in a positive light. Research
indicates we males can interpret most anything a female of interest
might do in a positive light). The next level, kissing, builds on the no
verbal process to get permission or consent. There are consistent voices
of males and females who inform us how asking is not romantic, how it
ruins the MoJo and especially how "you can't do that". The students are
very clear and consistent in their message to us. Based on their
socialization there is no "verbal consent model" in the complex world of
physical intimacy. In fact their statements of "you can't do that"
indicate that verbally asking is not acceptable.

The question of the day is "How do we expect our students to suddenly
develop VIPP language skills at the most intense physical level of
intimacy progression to include sexual intercourse, when they couldn't
or wouldn't ask to hold hands?" A follow up question is "Why would those
who currently benefit from the touch first model be willing to give up
their power advantage?"

It is our belief any consent model must incorporate a VIPP component to
help the students understand why it is so difficult and yet so important
to go against their social programming; if we are to achieve social
change. On a positive note there are students who have incorporated the
ask before touch and found it enhanced the experience and ultimately
conveyed their respect for the other person in a way they had not
imagined.

Don Lazzarini M. Ed
Coordinator VAWOC Project
University of Idaho
Resource Specialist
208-885-2956