Discussion List for campus-based and allied personnel working to end gender-based violence on campus.

[Sarah J Brubaker <>]

I have found John Stoltenberg's essay "How Men Have (A) Sex" very compelling and have used it in sociology of gender and gender and the body courses to discuss the social construction of masculinity.  He wrote it to address college men and challenge them to rethink how they use sex, and especially forceful, resisted sex, to feel like a man.  It does not address consent per se but lays the foundation for that discussion.  The essay starts on p. 51 of the attached.

Sarah Jane Brubaker, PhD
Associate Professor and Director, PhD in Public Policy and Administration 

and Certificate in Gender Violence Intervention

L Douglas Wilder School of Government and Public Affairs
923 W Franklin St, Room 319
PO Box 842028
Virginia Commonwealth University
Richmond, Virginia 23284
804-827-2400 (O)
804-827-1275 (F)

On Fri, Feb 19, 2016 at 4:12 PM, Paul Michael Ang <> wrote:

Hello all,

 

I think some of these perspectives and articles might be helpful.  I’ve also attached few journal articles that might be in a helpful direction for your question. As a heads up, there is some strong language and descriptions of sexual assault and rape in the quotes below, and in the articles they came from. I hope this is helpful, please let me know if you need anything else.

 

·         Anyway, I had already normalized the sensation of sexually directed harassment before I was even a teenager. It’s very particular sensation, but hard to describe —for me, it’s almost like nausea mixed with sadness and shock. I cried the first few times I felt it, but it soon became so common that I started numbing myself to it. By the time I was in high school, I was already fairly numb.

 

So, when I started dating men for real, I was already primed to not complain when I felt this feeling. Sometimes, however, it was so bad it broke through my numbness. When I was a teenager, the boy I had been dating, the boy I had my second kiss with, pressured me for sex. We were lying in bed, and he kept asking over and over again. I can’t remember if I explicitly said yes, or if at some point I just stopped saying no, but he ended up mounting my un-responsive corpse and pounding me until he came. --- https://medium.com/@emmalindsay/what-i-learned-from-dating-women-who-have-been-raped-583e1001b6cd#.za0lc4h1e

 

·         They may not notice or register or in extreme cases be concerned that someone they want to touch has frozen up, is giving off signals of paralysis or distress. Thus we sometimes find men who don’t think of themselves as ‘bad men’ who nonetheless rape and assault: their partners, girlfriends, wives, or women on a first or second date. (This is how the majority of assaults happen, of course: the ‘man jumping out of the bushes’ while more spectacular is much more rare.) They may resort to seeking power-over and dominance, because normal intimacy needs, when distorted and denied, come out in distorted ways. They are caught up in their own pain and can’t name it, or find appropriate avenues for it, and given the larger social norms that centre men’s experiences, this imbalance doesn’t get addressed as an imbalance but instead gets projected out into the world. A society that actively, financially, politically, socially, privileges traits it deems ‘masculine’ – nonemotionality, strength, independence – and actively disparages traits it deems ‘feminine’ – interdependence, nurturance – has few ways for these patterns to be openly loved, addressed, and changed. --- http://norasamaran.com/2016/02/11/the-opposite-of-rape-culture-is-nurturance-culture-2/

 

·         So to the generally well-intentioned men in my life, please consider this: no matter what I accomplish or how self assured I am feeling, the aforementioned dickhead bouncers of the world will still believe they have a right to demand my time and attention, even when I want to be alone. They will still insist I be polite and cheerful, even while they make me uncomfortable and afraid. They will still comment about my body and allude to sexual violence, and then berate me for being “stuck up” if I don’t receive it with a sense of humor. They will still choose to reinforce their dominance with a reminder that they could hurt me if they wanted to, and that I should somehow be grateful if they don’t. This has made me defensive. It has put me more on my guard than I would like to be.

 

Decent male humans, this is not your fault, but it also does not have nothing to do with you. If a woman is frosty or standoffish or doesn’t laugh at your joke, consider the notion that maybe she is not an uptight, humorless bitch, but rather has had experiences that are outside your realm of understanding, and have adversely colored her perception of the world. Consider that while you’re just joking around, a woman might actually be doing some quick mental math to see if she’s going to have to hide in a fucking bathroom stall and call someone to come help her, like I did three days ago. --- https://medium.com/life-tips/to-men-i-love-about-men-who-scare-me-dd816cd02e33#.o94qyy20w

 

·         It’s the idea of consenting sex, the idea that women are going along with it and enjoying it just as much as the man, but really it provides an excuse for some men to get away with taking advantage of/degrading sexual women without being held responsible. It’s the idea that when a woman consents to sex, she’s consenting to it any which way, and being treated like a piece of meat is just part of the package she’s agreed to…

 

I’ve never been raped, and I only have a few nights I don’t remember, but I’ve been coerced time after time after time, I’ve said No many times and either been made to feel guilty or been placated until I went along with something I didn’t want to do. This is what consenting sex looks like? This is what being sexually liberated in our society looks like? Being a single woman who enjoys sex means I have to constantly be defending my body and my morals, because if left to their own devices men will revert to treating me as nothing more than a collection of holes for their own use? This is acceptable? Is this the price a woman has to pay if she chooses not to be celibate? --- http://www.artparasites.com/the-ugly-side-of-being-a-single-attractive-and-available-heterosexual-woman-2/

 

·         I looked at my daughter, who sort of rolled her eyes at me. And the woman went on, listing the many ways that girls could rebuff boys. I looked at my daughter again, and she said, “go ahead mom.” And I did. I raised my hand and said, “Can we also talk about how to teach girls to say ‘yes’ to sexuality. Can we teach them that sex is about pleasure for all parties involved, and that learning how to identify and say ‘yes’ to things that give them pleasure is how they learn to draw their boundaries and say ‘no’ to things that don’t.” She replied that surely I could understand that protecting girls from boys was more important. I told her that I surely did not see it that way. But it starts that young. Yes, girls are told that boys are predatory and somehow out of control. The corollary there is that boys are told they are predators, and out of control. Therefore, not a desirable thing, but a thing to defend against. From the get-go, we are teaching our kids to fear male sexuality, and to repress female sexuality. --- http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-danger-in-demonizing-male-sexuality/#sthash.OgNy6MhV.dpuf

 

 

Thanks,

 

Paul Ang (he, him, his)

Coordinator of Men’s Engagement

Northwestern University

Searle Hall, 3.201B

633 Emerson Street

Evanston, IL 60208-4000

847-467-3658

www.northwestern.edu/care

Educate. Engage. Enrich

 

 

E-mail and online scheduling are not secure forms of communication; therefore, confidentiality cannot be assured.  For the most confidential form of communication, please call me at (847) 491-2054 during business hours.  Please be aware that CARE staff do not maintain 24-hour access to e-mail accounts or voicemail unless there has been a special arrangement.  I may check e-mail or voicemail infrequently, or not at all, on weekends or during time away from the office.



If you are in crisis, please call the 24-hour NUHS/CAPS on-call line at (847) 491-8100 or the Chicago Rape Crisis Hotline at (888) 293-2080.

 

 

 

 

From: Ross Steinborn [mailto:]
Sent: Friday, February 19, 2016 1:03 PM
To: Joanne Sampson <>; Staten, Abdul <>
Cc:
Subject: RE: Articles on Masculinity & Consent

 

I appreciate this study because, although it’s sample size can’t come to any particular conclusions, it begins to look at the cultural attitudes that pre-dispose men to committing sexual assault.

 

 

 

From: Joanne Sampson []
Sent: Friday, February 19, 2016 11:55 AM
To: Staten, Abdul
Cc:
Subject: Re: Articles on Masculinity & Consent

 

Hi,

I would also be interested in this!

Jo

Joanne Sampson
Sexual Violence Prevention Specialist
Student Wellness & Health Promotion
University of Delaware

302-831-3457
https://www.facebook.com/MANatUD/
http://www.udel.edu/sape/

 

 

On Fri, Feb 19, 2016 at 8:23 AM, Staten, Abdul <> wrote:

Greetings, colleagues!

 

I’m looking for information for a colleague on masculinity and consent.

 

The high-profile speakers in our field (Porter, Katz, Kimmel, Flood, et al) obviously explore masculinity, and will even address consent; but oftentimes, the concepts are explored separately. There are also lesser-known speakers and even programs that attempt to deal with these two concepts, but those speakers or programs are not founded/rooted in anything other than one person’s own ideals or experiences. I’m looking for something more substantial and credible, that can be shared with a student, for educational purposes.

 

So any research, studies, data, or how masculinity and consent intersect would be greatly appreciated!

 

Abdul

 

Abdul Staten, MA

Training & Program Coordinator,

Women & Gender Resource Action Center (WGRAC)

Trinity College

300 Summit Street

2nd floor, Mather Hall

Hartford, CT  06106

Office: 860.297.4131

Email:

Click here to learn more about WGRAC! (Trinity’s Women & Gender Resources Action Center)

 

 

Attachment: Stoltenberg-Refusing-to-be-a-Man.pdf
Description: Adobe PDF document