Discussion List for campus-based and allied personnel working to end gender-based violence on campus.

["Wantland, Ross A" <>]

Hey y'all,
    Many of us have been discussing the languaging of sexual violence 
recently. I've been especially troubled by hearing high school and college 
students casually using language like "grey rape" or "date rape" (the latter 
often to refer to drug-facilitated sexual assault). My colleague and I wrote 
in our column (Doin' It Well, focusing on sex and sexuality) about this issue 
just this week, and y'all might be interested in it. I've pasted it below, 
but you can also access it online. I hope you find it useful and it gets us 
talking!
Peace,
Ross
_____________________________________
Ross A. Wantland
Coordinator of Sexual Assault Education
300 Student Services Bldg. (MC-306)
610 E. John St.
Champaign, IL 61820
217-333-3137
*************************************

Yes Means Yes: "Grey Rape" and the Fear of Women's Sexuality
www.doinitwell.blog.com<http://www.doinitwell.blog.com>

In the September 2007 issue of Cosmopolitan, an article claimed that a "new 
kind of date rape" had been uncovered: grey rape. So-called "grey rape" 
referred to an ambiguous sexual experience for both partners, that could 
technically be called rape, but for which women who were raped shared some of 
the responsibility. In the survivors' accounts, many of them knew the 
perpetrator, had been drinking, and had shared some initial sexual intimacy 
with the perpetrator. Also, each of them said, "No" (which was ignored by 
their partner).

For Doin' It Well, this doesn't seem very "grey." Yet the article goes on to 
claim that it is women's sexual independence which is leaving men and women 
unclear of sexual boundaries.

If only "grey rape" had remained in the pages of Cosmo! Recently, we have 
heard high school and college students use this term, usually to minimize the 
severity of the assault or the responsibility of the perpetrator. Doin' It 
Well wanted to take a look at this term, and what messages it might be saying 
about our sexuality.

What's In a Name?
"Grey rape" has a familiar ring to it. In the early 90's, the media coined 
the term "date rape" to refer to sexual violence committed by a dating 
partner. When some men began incapacitating women with drugs, the media 
called these "date rape drugs."  Let's ignore for the moment that no other 
crime committed by a dating partner gets labeled in this way. (Imagine: "date 
larceny") Qualifying rape as "date" or "grey" means that the act is somehow 
less serious, not as violent as a "real" rape. We set it apart from the 
sexual violence that seems most newsworthy, yet is less common: a strange man 
attacks a woman with extreme physical and sexual violence in a dark alley. 
All rape is rape, representing both an individual who ignored someone's lack 
of consent and an individual who was violated in that moment.

U Call It
The idea of "grey rape" also boils the sexual violence down to an issue of 
miscommunication. She was being sexual, so how was he supposed to know what 
her resistance (whether she said "No," froze up, or even passed out) meant? 
Legally and morally, we can never just assume that our sexual partner is 
consenting to everything we might have in mind for ourselves, without some 
kind of clear communication, verbally or nonverbally. Nor is that presumption 
an excuse for sexual violence.

Ultimately, it is the victim who gets to define whether or not an act was 
rape. But most often, survivors do not label sexually coercive experiences 
(which are legally rape) as rape. Why? Because society and their community 
usually says that the perpetrator can't be responsible for the assault, that 
the survivor shouldn't have been so "sexually independent," or that it was 
just one big misunderstanding. There's a big difference between regret and 
rape.

Fictions of Men
Although "grey rape" seems to say little about men, between the lines, it 
says a lot about men. As the Cosmo article claims, men are supposed to be the 
aggressors and women the pursued, but the modern-day rules leaves men 
uncertain of boundaries. Ross talks with men about how these ideas should be 
found offensive by most men. Not only is it saying that men are too 
self-centered to recognize their partner's wishes, but also that men's 
violence is natural and normal. Without women saying no loudly enough, men 
are doomed to rape? Men should question these ideas that try to excuse men's 
violence by saying that men couldn't help themselves. Men who rape are making 
a choice to rape.

No Means No
"Grey rape" suggests that it's just too impossible to know what "no" looks 
like. Here are some of our suggestions in case you're wondering what might 
count as "no."

 *   "No"
 *   "I'm not ready"
 *   Too high or intoxicated to understand
 *   Passed out
 *   Sleeping
 *   Crying
 *   Pushing away
 *   Not answering when asked "are you into this?" or "does this feel good?"

Of course there are many other ways that someone may communicate that they 
are not consenting. Because consent means a "yes" from both people, we all 
have a responsibility to check in with our partners. It doesn't have to be 
awkward; it can be sexy and comfortable . But it also means we must listen to 
what our partner is telling us both verbally and non-verbally.

Yes Means Yes
Rightly so, the anti-rape movement has spent a lot of time talking about what 
non-consent looks like. At the same time, if we're going to take rape 
seriously, we also need to take women's sexuality seriously. We can't focus 
on "no," without also understanding "yes." We all - male, female, & trans - 
have the right to say "yes" to sex we want and enjoy.

Everyone has the right to initiate sexual activity and have limits around 
sexual behaviors that are heard, acknowledged and respected. We need to 
create an environment in which women have the safety to explore and 
experiment sexually, without fear of their limits being ignored or being 
called a "tease." Healthy sexuality is about mutuality. It's up to all of us 
to ensure that we are promoting a sexually healthy community! Ignoring 
someone's consent is not Doin' It Well. It's rape, and there's nothing "grey" 
about it.